Stop Reading My Bumper Sticker and Drive
by yolapeoples
Summary: A combo of random unrelated oneshots and an ongoing KID case, all based on Facebook Bumper Stickers! It’s weird but you know you want to read it! #9: “Sometimes it’s best not to question your friend. Just help them dump the body bag in the river.”
1. Staring

**Stop Reading My Bumper Sticker and Drive**

_**Because:**_** Sometimes I really fear for my sanity…**

_**Extended Summary and Explanation:**_** "How is it that we always find bumper stickers to define our lives?" A combination of random oneshots and an ongoing KID case, all based on Facebook Bumper Stickers. Okay, so the KID case isn't all that random but it begins in Chapter 2, continues in Chapter 5 and is bound to continue in Chapter 8 (two oneshots between each chapter). As for the oneshots, they're are completely random. Please bare with the insanity that is plunny attacks and review before they all gang up on me and eat me!! XD**

_**Math:**_** Facebook Bumper Stickers + Me + A friend of mine (and amazingly enough, no sugar) = This story. Enjoy the randomness!**

_**Disclaimer: **_**Detective Conan and Magic Kaito belong entirely to Gosho Aoyama and his gang. The Facebook bumper stickers aren't mine either!! I thank all those who ever made them though!!**

**Bumper Sticker #1:**

"**I stare at people to make them feel uncomfortable."**

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Kuroba Kaito (KID), Hakuba Saguru, Nakamori Aoko. No Pairings.**

_**Word Count:**_** 646**

As soon as he set one foot in the classroom with his wide, goofy grin stretching from ear to ear and his hand grasping the morning's newspaper, Kaito felt it. Spinning on his heel to enter the classroom and letting the door close behind him, he walked towards his desk, his well-trained smile never faltering, but he could still feel it.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he chastised himself for not having mastered that yet.

He felt like moving, jerking his body around in some way to shake off the feeling, as if someone had sent an ice cube - no - a bucket of ice cubes - no - make that all ice in Antarctica down his back.

He sat down, sensing that he wouldn't hold up much longer if he just stood there awkwardly in the front of the class. No one paid him any heed as they went about their chattering before class would start. He unfolded his newspaper with the usual flourish, though today's was a bit overdone - even he would admit it - as a cover-up for how his left eyebrow was unnervingly twitching slightly of its own free will.

But he could still feel it! It was still there!

But why? Why? Why him? He pondered as he bemoaned his sad fate, his eyes blankly scrolling through the first article on the page and his smile still not fading. Oh, he thanked his poker face for remaining relatively intact.

"I never thought you were that interested in the business section, Kaito."

His eyes bulged for a moment and he nearly jumped five feet in the air. Nearly. Just nearly. As he made to turn to his left, he let go of the newspaper with his right hand and quickly passed said hand in front of his face. He smiled questioningly at the person who had spoken, his nervous twitch miraculously gone.

"Kaito…" said Aoko dangerously.

"You told me to read something besides the stuff about KID and now you criticize me for reading something serious… and booooring." Oh yes, that was precisely it. Uh huh, yup. Entirely. "Do you not understand the pain I am going through here?!" No, she definitely didn't.

His voice's pitch had risen in the few sentences he had said, making him sound like the fourth talking chipmunk. And he could still feel it. Oh, if only he had a fly swatter…

Aoko raised an eyebrow at him, sincerely looking like she was worried for his sanity, but shrugged it off and walking away.

A few rows back, a certain British detective grinned evilly. It was working. Now all he had to do was keep it up all day and maybe, for once in his short life, Kuroba Kaito would finally crack.

Though he knew that he had broken the laws of physics before (and would hopefully live to do so again), Kaito knew for a fact he did not have eyes in the back of his head… at least not on a normal day. But he also knew for a fact that _it_, the _it_ that was slowly tearing down the walls of his esteemed poker face brick by brick, was emanating from that very seat a few rows back.

The Patended One and Only Hakuba Saguru Amber-Eyed Death Glare of DOOM.

Then again, Hakuba mused, maybe having his right arm in a cast - courtesy of Kaito KID, though technically it wasn't the thief's fault the detective had attempted to launch himself at him, finding that the thief had disappeared in a puff of smoke and confetti, and thereby falling down a flight of stairs - wasn't so bad. After all, mentioned Kaito later during the day, perhaps as a way of ending the torture of the Death Glare of DOOM, casts were usually a pretty good chick magnets.

_**FIN**_

_**A/n:**_** One normally thinks of Kaito torturing Hakuba so I decided to give the Brit a break this time. ^-^ Please review!!**

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Ruler**


	2. Height

**Bumper Sticker #2:**

**"Y****ou cannot harm me for I am short and all powerful in the ways of being cute and cuddly to all who see me."**

* * *

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Edogawa Conan, Hattori Heiji, Kuroba Kaito (KID), Mouri Ran, Toyama Kazuha. Mentions of HeijixKazuha.**

**_Other Inspirations:_ KID's top hat and how exactly it doesn't defy the laws of physics (aka things I think about in Spanish class). Also, my other DC fic, _Pink_**.

_**Word Count:**_** 820**

* * *

"Kid's hat has just got to be collapsible. I don't see how else he could hide that thing."

"What the hell are you talking about, Hattori?"

Heiji and Conan had been sitting at a little outdoor café waiting for Ran and Kazuha to "finally" end their shopping-bonding expedition when Heiji had sat up straight suddenly, struck by this glorious realization. Had they been taking about Kaito Kid? Or hats? Or all things collapsible? No, absolutely not. But Conan decided to just let it go as a "Heiji moment".

"Well, think about it, Kudo. Kid's always changing disguises and stuff when he's trying to steal something, right?" explained Heiji. Conan just nodded slowly, trying not to make any sudden movements and trying to figure out if his "friend" hadn't gone completely insane… or maybe he was just born that way… but Conan digresses…

"How else is he supposed to hide that big top hat of his? I mean, it HAS to be collapsible!" Heiji slammed his palms against the table in emphasis.

"O…kay?" tried Conan. Heiji smiled at the agreement, but Conan was now wrapping his mind around the topic, "What about the cape?"

"The cape?" repeated Heiji.

"You know, long, white, flow…y?" Conan's voice drifted as he realized his sarcastic comment was sinking fast.

"Flow-y?" chuckled Heiji.

"Yes!" said Conan, now his turn to slam his hands against the table, but more in fists and in frustration that he had to stand on his chair to complete this action. Which only caused more laughter from Heiji. Conan twitched in anger.

"Yes, well, the cape." Heiji cleared his throat, seeing Conan's fury coming.

"Yes, well?"

"I have no idea. You brought it up." said Heiji, blinking, "What do you think, Kudo?"

"I thought…" Conan's voice drifted once again as a waitress carrying a tray of drinks dropped a sheet of paper on their table before walking away. "Wait… what? We didn't order anything, did we?" He looked at the sheet of paper questioningly as Heiji picked it up.

Heiji's eyes ran across the top of the paper, jumped to the bottom and then he just stared at the paper incredulously.

"What?" asked Conan curious, "What's written on there?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, but look." said Heiji as he turned the paper over in his hand to face it towards Conan. All Conan had to do was see the bottom of the paper… on which was drawn the notorious caricature of…

"KAITO KID?!" yelled Conan. In the second that followed, Heiji sprung up from his seat and grabbed Conan, placing one hand over his mouth.

"Shut up, Kudo." he hissed through clenched teeth.

"Eh?" Conan tried to say but was muffled by Heiji's hand. Then he saw that Ran and Kazuha had arrived with shopping bags in their hands. Ran blinked at them as Kazuha looked at Heiji with one eyebrow raised. Heiji let Conan go slowly and both smiled sheepishly at the two girls.

"Something tells me I shouldn't ask." said Kazuha.

"_That_ would be a good idea." agreed Heiji.

"What makes you think I'm not going to ask anyways, idiot?"

"Hey! No need to get defensive!"

"I'm not being defensive; I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't assume so much."

And so the bickering continued as Ran and Conan watched from the sidelines.

"Are you going to tell me what happened, Conan-kun?" Ran asked Conan seriously.

"Uh…" stumbled Conan as he tried to figure out someway to avoid the whole we-got-a-threat-from-a-world-famous-criminal-whilst-discussing-his-top-hat thing.

Ran giggled, "Don't worry; you don't have to." Conan sighed. "I'll find out soon enough anyway." Conan felt like slapping himself on the forehead. Meanwhile, Heiji and Kazuha continued fighting over the most trivial matters in the world.

"WHY DO YOU CARE IF I PUT MY PAIR OF RED SOCKS IN THE WASHING MACHINE?!?!"

"BECAUSE THEY STAINED EVERYTHING ELSE PINK, YOU COMPLETE MORON!!! SINCE WHEN DO YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WEAR PINK?!"

"AND SINCE WHEN DOES THIS EVEN CONCERN YOU?!"

"Think we should stop them?" Ran whisper-asked Conan.

"Why ruin the flirting?" said Conan bluntly, his hands behind his head. Both Heiji and Kazuha froze and shut up immediately, blushing the color of ripe tomatoes. Ran giggled while Conan grinned triumphantly at Heiji.

"Yoooouuu…" growled Heiji as he approached Conan menacingly. Conan ran behind Ran and, in that devious little innocent kid voice of his, went, "Ran-neechan, Heiji-niisan is scaaarrryyy."

Ran looked from Conan to Heiji as Heiji looked defeated, trying to figure out a way to make a come back to _that_.

As the four returned to the hotel they were staying at, Heiji bent down to Conan's level and whispered, "Someday, Kudo, someday." In the meantime, Conan settled with grinning from ear to ear in victory. Sometimes, he could handle looking like he was still in grade school. He pondered on whether he should file suit against Kogoro for child abuse…

_**FIN**_

* * *

_**A/n:**_** I feel like I strayed from the main point… Oh well, that was fun!! ^-^ Please review!!! And if anyone has requests or random ideas, please feel free to tell me!**

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Barbeque**


	3. Beef

**Bumper Sticker #3:**

"**I said a beef hotlinks!"**

* * *

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Kudo Shinichi, Hattori Heiji, Kuroba Kaito, Hakuba Saguru, Mouri Ran. Mentions of ShinichixRan.**

_**Other Inspirations:**_** Friends chanting this commercial along with the songs. I got the lyrics from www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=BafkFntxgPw. Also, my dad's need of having a new barbeque...**

_**Special Disclaimer:**_** The lyrics used here are property of Hillshire Farms… or at least, I'm guessing they are as they are part of their commercial. Anyway, they're not mine.**

_**Warnings:**_** Uh… severe plot bunny attack?**

_**Word Count: **_**593**

* * *

"Shinichi, I'm so excited for the barbeque today!" squealed Ran joyfully.

It was that time of year again: summer. The time of beach picnics, backyard barbeques and murders. Wait… murders happened year round. Darn.

"Do we really have to do this?" asked Shinichi, hesitating on the whine factor, not wanting his head driven into the newly painted living room wall.

"Of course!" said Ran, "We already invited everyone. Or do you not want to see anyone?" She pouted playfully.

"It's not that." said Shinichi, walking to the glass door that led to the backyard. "It's just… last time I used that barbeque…"

"Oh no…" groaned Ran, sensing the flashback.

**XxxFLASHBACKxxX**

See Shinichi. See Shinichi happily using his new barbeque. It rocked having a barbeque, he naively thought, flipping two sizzling sausages over with metal tongs, when suddenly-

"GO MEAT!" called a voice from somewhere beyond the fence.

What the hell?

"GO MEAT!" echoed another voice from the opposite direction.

Oh no… Shinichi felt the pit of his stomach drop when he realized what exactly was going on.

From the yard to the left, Kuroba Kaito yelled in a supremely deep voice that could not have been his own, "I SAID A BEEF HOT LINKS!"

From the yard to the right, Hattori Heiji repeated, trying not to laugh, "I said a beef hot links!!"

"I said a beef hot links!!!" called Kaito again.

"I said a beef hot links!" shouted the annoyed yet somewhat amused voice of Hakuba who lived across the street, three houses down.

Inwardly groaning and restraining himself from letting his face slam into the grill, Shinichi realized that he had involuntarily started tapping the beat of the tune his insane neighbors were chanting with the metal tongs in his hand.

"I said a brat, beef kielbasa hot smoked sausage cheddarworst!" announced Kaito.

"I said a brat, beef kielbasa hot smoked sausage cheddarworst!" repeated Heiji and Hakuba in unison.

"When I say Hillshire, you say Farm!" ordered Kaito before yelling supremely loudly, "HILLSHIRE!"

"FARM!" yelled Heiji and Hakuba at the top of their lungs.

"GO MEAT!" they all said in unison and Shinichi personally wished they had gone ahead, broken the sound barrier and destroyed the universe. It wasn't like all of Japan, and perhaps some of Korea and China, hadn't heard their little episode.

A few seconds later, just as Shinichi hoisted the sausages onto a plate and was trying to mentally erase the last five minutes of his life, the doorbell rang. As he made it to the door, Ran had already opened it and there stood Kaito, Heiji and Hakuba all grinning like idiots who had just added up two plus two and miraculously gotten fish - well, maybe not fish as Kaito didn't seem to be freaking out, but it was definitely something insane.

Kaito was grasping a pair of metal tongs, Hakuba a metal spatula and Heiji some type of dangerous-looking giant metal fork.

"Dude!" boomed Heiji, obviously having not reset to "inside voice" yet, "You didn't yell 'GO MEAT!'!"

"Yeah!" agreed Kaito, "Now we'll have to do the initiation all over again!" It was clear that they were more than willing and enthusiastic to do so.

Shinichi just glared at them with half-closed eyes before slamming the door in their evil, little, smug faces. They just had to go and perform this "ceremony" of theirs to announce that Kudo Shinichi had "finally become a man"; he had finally gotten a barbeque.

**XxxENDFLASHBACKxxX**

"So, you understand how we just can't do this, right?" explained Shinichi.

The doorbell rang; it was too late to turn back now.

_**FIN**_

* * *

_**A/n:**_** Okay, that was just fun to write! This is supposed to take place after the Black Organization is taken down and Shinichi, Kaito, Heiji and Hakuba all just so happen to end up living in the same neighborhood. ^-^ Please review! I'll give you a beef hot link!!!!**

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Phone.**


	4. Phone

**Bumper Sticker #4**

"**This is Sparta! NO! This is Patrick!!"**

* * *

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Hattori Heiji, Toyama Kazuha, Kudo Shinichi/Edogawa Conan, Mouri Ran, Kuroba Kaito, Konosuke Jii, Hakuba Saguru, Haibara Ai/Miyano Shiho, Agasa Hiroshi, Gin, Vodka, Kudo Yusaku, Takagi Wataru, Miyamoto Yumi, Sato Miwako, Chaki Shintaro, Nakamori Ginzo, Gosho Aoyama, a few unimportant OCs (pet shop owner, Spartan, Yusaku's editor, pet shop owner's third cousin, phone company workers). Mentions of HeijixKazuha, TakagixSato, ShinichixRan and KaitoxAoko.**

_**Other Inspirations:**_** "Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring Banana phone!", the need to write something with a bunch o' people in it and the fact that my Detective Conan and Magic Kaito experiences (if not my life) have been scarred by how them weirdo translators decided to change Nakamori-keibu's name (*rocks back and forth in fetal position*).**

_**Warnings:**_** Perhaps OOC or just plain weird? …wait… make that VERY weird. Mostly dialogue. 10 on the Richter Scale of Randomness.**

_**Word Count:**_** 1283**

* * *

_Ring, ring, ring, ring._

"Hello, you've reached Toyama Kazuha. If you're trying to get a hold of me, I'm not available at the moment, so please leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. If you're Heiji, press 3."

_Beeeep._

_Blip._

"Hello, you've reached Toyama Kazuha. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, AHO!"

_Beeeep._

"Kazuhaaaaaaaa, will you please pick up the phone? Come on. I know you're sitting right in front of the phone, glaring at the receiver and listening to everything I'm sayiiiiiing! I just want to apologi-"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"-ize."

_Overly-cheery voice._ "Hello, you've reached Bob's Pets. How may I help you?"

"What?" _Confused._

"Yes, uh, this is Bob's Pet Shop. May I help you, sir?" _Equally confused._

_Deadpans. _"Kazuha, this isn't funny. I can tell it's you."

_Nervous laughter. _"I'm sorry, but there is no one named Kazuha that works at this shop."

"…"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

_Worried. _"Shinichi! When are you coming home already??"

"Eh…" _Sweatdrop._ "Well, that case I was working on, well, it lead to this whole huge thing. It's hard to explain, Ran."

"What the hell?"

"Hattori?!"

"Kudo?!"

"Wait. How do you two know each other?!"

"…" _Double sweatdrop._

"We met that one time, Ran, remember? Locked-room murder… Wife was the killer even though Hattori thought it was the old man…"

_Deadpans. _"Not to mention that we're kind of rivals and all."

_Accusing._ "Shinichi, there's something you're not telling me here!!"

_Whisper._ "Hattori, I will get you for this…"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"Yo, Jii. Are all the preparations ready for tonight's heist?"

_Confused._ "Who the hell is 'Jii'?"

_Jawdrop. Panic. _"Tantei-han?!?!"

"What the… Kaitou Kid?!?!"

_Poker Face. Voice change._ "What? My name is Hakuba Saguru. Who are you?!"

_Not buying it._ "Nice try, Kid!"

_Acquires overly-British accent._ "What the bloody hell are you talking about? It's nearly time for tea, you've disrupted me and now you're accusing me of being my arch-nemesis?!"

"…I know it's you, Kid."

"I'm afraid I don't understand what you're saying in the slightest."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Kid."

"Wait. You're that Hattori bloke from Osaka, aren't you? We met during that whole amusement park extravaganza."

_Deadpans. _"Kid, Ku-Conan explained to me that it was you there."

_Noises in background._ "Ahaha. Seems my tea is ready…"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"This is SPARTA!"

"No, this is Heiji!!!"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"Professor? I think I've worked out another possible antidote for the Apotoxin."

"…Alright, what's going on **now**?"

_Brow furrows._ "Wait, who-"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"Gin. Vodka. New assignment. Meet at usual place."

"Of course."

"On our way."

"…?!"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"For the last time, Kudo-san, you need to have your manuscript done for the deadline! You've already escaped two! If you don't stick to your deadlines, The Night Baron and the Deathly Melons will never be published in time!"

"Ahahaha. Well you see…" _Mutters. _"Oh how could I forget to unplug the phonelines!"

"No more! Do you know how stressful it is to work for you, Kudo-san?? Have you no mercy???"

"Uh, not gonna lie, but I think you ought to change the title."

"Who is that? Is there someone there with you, Kudo-san?"

"Not that I know of. Who are you?"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"I swear, Tagaki, you have to ask Sato out this Friday! Trust me!!!"

"Ahahaha… but, uh…" _Blush._

"When have I ever let you down?"

"…I seem to recall, Yum-"

"Oh! Come on!!!"

_Muttering._ "…wrong place, wrong time."

"…?! Who are you?!"

"Sometimes I wonder…"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"Chaki, we can't let Kid get away with the heist tonight! We have to stop him!!"

"Yes, sir."

"We're not going to be duped this time. I want security doubled and everyone checked, double-checked and triple-checked before going anywhere NEAR that jewel."

"Yes, sir."

"I'm going to capture Kid or my name isn't Inspector Mace Fuller!"

"Uh, sir, that **isn't** your name."

"Wait… what?"

"'Mace Fuller'? Your name is Nakamori Ginzo, sir."

"CURSE YOU, ENGLISH TRANSLATORS!!!!!"

"Uh, are you okay, sir?"

"…Chaki, hang… up… NOW!"

"But, you called m-"

_Yelling._ "GOOOO!!!"

_Panic._ "YES, SIR!!!" _Hangs up._

"…Nakamori-keibu, have you been getting your blood pressure checked lately?"

"WHAT?! Who are you?! KID!!!!!"

"What?! No!!! I was just talking to Kid like… a bazillion conversations ago!!!"

"AN ACCOMPLICE!!!"

"NOOOO! I'm Hattori Heiji!! You know, Osaka… Detective of the West… Ringin' any bells?"

"YOU WON'T FOOL ME, KAITOU KID!!!"

* * *

_Click._

* * *

"ALRIGHT! I give up! Who the hell am I talking to now?!"

"HEIJI!"

"Ah, Kazuha! I've never been more relieved to hear you screaming your head off at me!!"

"…?! Anyway, Heiji, where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you!"

_Concerned._ "Why? Is something wrong?!"

_Deadpans._ "No, it's just I got annoyed of my phone ringing non-stop."

_Comprehension dawns._ "Ahhhh."

"…"

"But, I just wanted to say I was sorry for making you angry."

"Apology accepted."

"Soooo… uh… are you free Friday night by any chance?" _Blush._

"Um."_ Blush._ "I think so…"

"So, um, would you-"

"CALL INTERUPTED!" yelled a combination of voices, including (but not limited to) Kudo Shinichi, Mouri Ran, Kuroba Kaito, Haibara Ai, Agasa Hiroshi, Gin, Vodka, Kudo Yuusaku, Takagi Wataru, Miyamoto Yumi, Nakamori Ginzo and Chaki Shintaro.

* * *

**XxxAFTERMATHxxX**

* * *

Many things happened as a result of this strange sequence of phone calls:

1. Phone companies remained baffled about who exactly such a thing had occurred.

2. A week later: Bob sold his pet shop to his third cousin Joe.

3. A week and a half later: Ran finally found out who Conan was this entire time.

4. A week, a half and five minutes later: Conan was hospitalized for 24 hours.

5. Two weeks later: Kaitou Kid returned yet another priceless gem to Nakamori-keibu.

6. Two weeks and ten minutes later: Nakamori-keibu's blood pressure was put under monitoring after he underwent his middle-life crisis along with an identity crisis.

7. Two weeks and a half later: Heiji was brought in for questioning of possible allegiances with Kaitou Kid.

8. Three weeks later: Heiji and Conan figured out who Kaito Kid really was and the three teamed up and took the Black Organization down.

9. Three weeks and a day later: Gin and Vodka cried for the first time in recorded history.

10. Three weeks and a half later: Sato and Tagaki managed to go on a date without ANYONE spying on them.

11. Four weeks later: Kaitou Kid finally found Pandora and smashed it to tiny little microscopic pieces… and enjoyed every bit of it.

12. Four weeks and a half later: Kaitou Kid sent out invitations to his retirement party and the monocle and cape once and for all were retired (well, for the most part anyway…)

13. Five weeks later: Ai and Agasa figured out a permanent antidote for APTX 4869 and Ai and Conan returned to being Shiho and Shinichi.

14. Five weeks and a few days later: Aoko finally found out who Kaito was this entire time.

15. Five weeks, a few days and six minutes later: Kaito was hospitalized for 24 hours.

16. Five and a three-quarters weeks later: The boys (and by that I mean Shinichi, Heiji and Kaito) owned up to it and Shinichi, Ran, Heiji, Kazuha, Kaito and Aoko all went on a triple date.

17. Six weeks later: Hakuba Saguru came back from an extended trip to England and nearly killed himself for missing all the action.

18. Seven weeks later: Kudo Yusaku published his greatest novel yet, The Night Baron and the Mysterious Phone Call.

19. A year later: Shinichi somehow miraculously graduated high school (along with the rest of the gang).

20. Many years later: Everyone lived happily ever after.

21. Gosho Aoyama sued Yolapeoples for giving away his surprise ending.

* * *

_**A/n:**_** It was this or write a paper on the Spanish and the Ottomans. I can't believe this was all inspired by a bumper sticker. Wooow. I need a life… ^-^ Please review!!! Oh, and just for the record, this was obviously NOT Gosho Aoyama's surprise ending (hopefully everyone picked up on the sarcasm but you never know…)**

* * *

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Chemistry.**


	5. Chemistry

**Bumper Sticker #5**

"**Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.**

**The first one says, 'I've lost my electron.'**

**The second one says, 'Are you sure?'**

**The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'"**

* * *

**Continuation of Chapter 2: Height**

* * *

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Kuroba Kaito (KID), Hattori Heiji, Edogawa Conan (Kudo Shinichi), Nakamori Ginzo, Mouri Ran, Toyama Kazuha, Agase Hiroshi. Mentions of HeijixKazuha (which is**_** really**_** hard to avoid if you have them fighting…in Kyoto of all places *sweatdrop*).**

_**Other Inspirations:**_** I got so bored one day during Chem class that I actually came up with the code Kaito uses in here. I swear the person who sits next to me must think I'm going insane… Also, a reviewer asked me what was on that heist note in Chapter 2: Height, so I decided to play KID for once (Yay!). (Heiji, Conan, Kazuha and Ran were in Kyoto during that chapter though I neglected to state it. That said, this isn't during the 7****th**** DC movie.)**

_**Warnings:**_** Possibly overly-cryptic KID? Not really sure as I made the whole thing up myself… NOT RANDOM (well, not random in a funny sense). Forgive me if I mess something historical or scientifically or whatever up; I'm trying my best. Also, some mild Heiji-is-insane-ness, but it's because I love the guy to pieces.**

_**A/n:**_** =I;) is my type version of Kaitou's caricature. (Tell me you see the top hat and the winking-attempt-at-monocle smiley and that I'm not completely insane!!!)**

_**Renewed Story Summary:**_** A combo of random unrelated oneshots and an ongoing KID case, all based on Facebook Bumper Stickers!!! It's weird but you know you want to read it!**

_**Renewed Story Genre:**_** Humor/Mystery.**

_**Word Count:**_** 1558**

* * *

"Hattori," began Conan as he jumped to sit on his hotel bed. He, Heiji, Ran and Kazuha were in Kyoto and though it had been a little over an hour since they had gotten the note from KID, this was the first time they had been able to look at it since then without getting suspicious glances, or glares in Heiji's case, from the girls. Fortunately, the one-and-a-half detectives were lucky enough to be sharing a room while Ran and Kazuha shared the other. "Why do you think he didn't send the note to the police?"

"I think he's got something against us for talking about his top hat." replied Heiji in all seriousness.

'And who was it that screamed that to the world?' thought Conan, looking pointedly at Heiji.

"Well, we'll have to report it to the police anyway." stated Heiji.

"True. Though that's probably exactly what he wants us to do."

"So… we just stroll on up to the police station and go 'Yeah, well, me and this kid here were sitting at this café totally minding our own business when we received a heist note from Kaitou KID.' Kudo, I'd rather not be sent to a mental facility just yet."

* * *

"Hello, this is Nakamori Aoko. May I ask who's speaking?"

"Uh, Hattori Heiji. Detective of the West. Is Nakamori-keibu around by any chance?" Heiji glared at Conan for making _him_ do this. Why couldn't he just use that stupid bowtie of his and follow through with his plan himself? (A/n: Yes, I have made Heiji paranoid of phone calls.)

"Hold on a sec." Though the girl on the other end seemed to put her hand over the phone, it didn't block out the yell of "TOUSAN!!!" entirely.

"Hello, Nakamori-keibu speaking."

"Uh, hello, Inspector. This is Hattori Heiji, but I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I got a note from KID early tod-" Need Heiji say more, Nakamori exploded on the other end.

"What?! KID?! What does it say?! Bring it to me immediately!!!"

"Um, the thing is that I'm in Kyoto at the mome-"

"We'll be there as quickly as possible." And the line went dead.

Closing his cell phone, Heiji turned to Conan, "Kudo, I think we have just made an old man very, very excited."

* * *

"What?! What is this supposed to mean?!" cried Nakamori when he saw the note.

"That's what the kid and I have been trying to figure out." replied Heiji, gesturing to Conan who was sitting at a table in the police station they were in at the moment, reading and re-reading a copy of the note very intently.

"The kid?" asked Nakamori. Having to switch from capital letters to lowercase was difficult for our keibu sometimes…

"Yes, well, he's my… assistant of sorts." Nakamori sent Heiji a glance that combined "Okay, I'll buy that" and "I worry for you". Heiji inwardly groaned; why was he always the one that seemed to be going insane?!

"We've checked the note, keibu. Its authentic." said a police officer who came running up.

"Alright." replied Nakamori.

Conan inspected the copy of the note that he had intently. It read:

**SiMg**

**[(Cadmium - Carbon) (Neon - Nitrogen) (Arsenic - Sulfur) Rhenium Sulfur (Titanium - Iodine)] [Tantalum Nitrogen Tellurium Iodine Sulfur],**

"**[(Technetium - Carbon) Hydrogen (Helium - Hydrogen)] [Titanium (Manganese - Nitrogen) (Selenium - Sulfur)] [Iodine Sulfur] [Nitrogen Oxygen Tungsten], [(Technetium - Carbon) Hydrogen (Iron - Fluorine)] [Fluorine Iodine Fluorine Thorium] [Molybdenum Nitrogen (Titanium - Iodine) Hydrogen] [Tungsten Helium Nitrogen] [Thorium (Beryllium - Boron)] [(Ruthenium - Uranium) (Actinium - Carbon) Iodine Nitrogen] [Fluorine (Sodium - Nitrogen) 2(Lithium - Iodine) Sulfur]."**

**Kaitou KID =I;)**

"Does anyone have a copy of the Periodic Table of Elements?" asked Conan. The police officers looked at each other - obviously the Table of Elements was not something a regular officer carried around in his back pocket - before sending one of the newer officers to go find one.

'Of course, people take the obviously-not-child-like demand for a table of elements as perfectly normal, but I get questioned while making up excuses for said "child" even being here in the first place.' thought Heiji grimly before sitting down at the table next to Conan and completing his "Turn-baseball-cap-around-for-a-mystery" routine. An officer quickly supplied the requested Table.

Conan, finally realizing that he wasn't sticking to his child act, quickly took it and gave it to Heiji, smiling innocently and saying, "Here you go, Heiji-niisan!"

"Uh, thanks." An awkward silence ensued as many officers' prying eyes observed them, waiting for some genius conclusion to be made. "You guys can go, you know. The kid and I have this covered."

Nakamori narrowed his eyes on the two before deciding that the note was obviously out of his league and ordering, "Alright, get outta here, all of you!"

As everyone filed out, Nakamori said, "You have an hour before we send an expert to figure this out."

Heiji and Conan nodded, deciding not to argue that they _were_ experts, and Nakamori left.

"Alright, Kudo, what are you up to?"

"Well, look." said Conan, now back in adult-stuck-in-child's-body attitude, motioning forward a piece of paper he had been scribbling on.

**Si = Silicon. Silicon's ****Atomic Number = 14**

**Mg = Magnesium. Magnesium's Atomic Number = 12**

**SiMg = 1412**

"The abbreviations at the top and the names of elements throughout the note got me thinking but I wanted to double-check the numbers." explained Conan.

Heiji grabbed a piece of paper from a stack nearby and wrote on it, going back and forth from the note to the Table, as he said, "Alright, well, if we replaced all the elements by their atomic numbers, we get…"

**1412**

**[(48 - 6) (10 - 7) (33 - 16) 75 16 (22 - 53)] [73 7 52 53 16],**

"**[(43 - 6) 1 (2 - 1)] [22 (25 - 7) (34 - 16)] [53 16] [7 8 74], [(43 - 6) 1 (26 - 9)] [9 53 9 90] [42 7 (22 - 53) 1] [74 2 7] [90 (4 - 5)] [(44 - 92) (89 - 6) 53 7] [9 (11 - 7) 2(3 - 53) 16]."**

**Kaitou KID**

"So then if we subtract the numbers in parentheses…" said Conan.

**1412**

**[42 3 17 75 16 -31] [73 7 52 53 16],**

"**[37 1 1] [22 18 18] [53 16] [7 8 74], [37 1 17] [9 53 9 90] [42 7 -31 1] [74 2 7] [90 -1] [-48 83 53 7] [9 4 2(-50) 16]."**

**Kaitou KID**

"Then, we multiply that '2(-50)' in the last line to get…" continued Conan.

**1412**

**[42 3 17 75 16 -31] [73 7 52 53 16],**

"**[37 1 1] [22 18 18] [53 16] [7 8 74], [37 1 17] [9 53 9 90] [42 7 -31 1] [74 2 7] [90 -1] [-48 83 53 7] [9 4 -100 16]**

**Kaitou KID**

"Kudo, one problem: these numbers don't mean anything." deadpanned Heiji, "And also, if Kid wanted us to get stuff like the number 42 at the beginning, why make us subtract 6 from 48 instead of just writing down the element whose corresponding atomic number is 42?" He paused as he looked to the Table, "Molybdenum."

Conan's brow furrowed as he looked at the paper, his hand on his chin, deep in thought. Heiji watched curiously as Conan pulled out what looked like a bento box from his backpack thinking that he couldn't seriously be eating at a time like this.

"Faxing the note to Agase and Haibara." explained Conan without looking up. Heiji shrugged to himself before the door opened up suddenly, banging into the adjacent wall loudly, and letting in an even louder person.

"HEIJI! Where have you been?! You were supposed to meet Ran and I at the park nearly an hour ago!!!"

Oh, why, why, why him?! This was not his fault. Hey, and why did Kudo have a really smug grin on his face, getting away with everything?!

"Aho! Can't you tell we're obviously doing something important?! This IS a police station!!" countered Heiji.

"We?" questioned Ran. Conan blanched.

"Yes, Nakamori-keibu and I are trying to decipher this message that we got from Kaitou KID." restated Heiji quickly. Conan let out a sigh of relief as Heiji turned back to Kazuha, "Or is trying to stop and IN-TER-NA-TION-AL CRI-MIN-AL not important enough?!"

Running out of things to say, and realizing how close her face had gotten to Heiji's during their rant fest, Kazuha blushed slightly and muttered, "Aho."

Heiji stepped back and crossed his arms, annoyed and inwardly hoping his dark skin would hide his slight blush. He guessed it didn't work when he saw Conan raise a smug eyebrow at him. Someday, swore Heiji, he would shave those things right off Conan's little head.

"If you don't believe me, look!" Heiji said, picking up his and Conan's pages of work and showing it to Ran and Kazuha.

The bento box/fax machine beeped at that very moment and Conan whipped around to hide it as Heiji created a momentary distraction by explaining what they had figured out thus far. Conan's eyes tore across the page.

"_**The first combination (SiMg) was bothering me. Silicon and magnesium can't bond like that. Since silicon is a semi-metal and magnesium is a metal, they bond through ionic bonding. The silicon takes the magnesium's electrons, making the silicon negative and the magnesium positive, and normal ionic formula writing puts the positive ion - cation - first with the negative - anion - behind it. So, if anything, it should be written MgSi, though the true combination is Mg**__**2**__**Si.**_

_**- Professor Agase"**_

Conan passed the paper to Heiji who read it aloud.

Kazuha said pensively, "It's weird that Kaitou KID would mess up like that."

"He didn't mess up." thought Conan darkly as he glared at the grinning caricature near KID's signature…

* * *

_**...to be continued…**_

* * *

_**A/n:**_** Ha ha ha. Now I have an ongoing story within a series of one-shots! It's a plot bunny, I swear (and this is basically my place for putting in my plot bunnies). **

**I hope Agase's explanation of 'SiMg' not making sense makes sense (*sweatdrop*). I don't know if that's ALWAYS true, but from what I've learned in class so far, ionic bonding (bonding between metals and non-metals) works like that. (Knowing me, there's bound to be some Chemistry expert who's gonna be all, that's not true, dadada. Please forgive me if it's false but it works when it comes to how they're going to figure out the code.**

**Anywho, ****please review****!! Do you think I should continue this? If so, I'll probably be posting the next chapter as Chapter 8 (each chapter having two oneshots in between it). Randomness in the next one, I promise! ;D**

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Holidays.**


	6. Gnome

**Bumper Sticker #6**

"**Dude, we are so bada$$, it's insane!"**

* * *

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Gin, The Boss, Vodka, Hattori Heiji, Kuroba Kaito (KID), Edogawa Conan (Kudo Shinichi), Haibara Ai (Miyano Shiho), Hakuba Saguru. No Pairings.**

_**Other Inspirations:**_** My dad telling my brother "No guns at the dinner table" a few days ago and an episode of some Disney TV show I watched with my little cousin ages ago - Phineas and Ferb? - and the idea stuck in my head for some reason… Not to mention the irony of the word "shrink" (yes, I'm just that weird). This is also my strange way of coming up with a Holidays/New Year's special.**

_**Warnings:**_** Perhaps OOC? (dunno, first time writing Gin and I don't really know how he acts on a normal basis) but if so, it's intentional. Also, some mild BO mocking, very weird and lots of page breaks (I didn't really notice until now...)**

_**Word Count: **_**796**

* * *

"Und how doez dat make yu feeel?"

"…"

He was here on official orders from the Boss, but he had never expected to have to talk about his feelings. He debated with himself whether he should just pull out his gun and shoot the dang shrink.

His name - or should we call it a codename? - was Gin. He killed people; it was on his resume. He did NOT talk about his feelings.

"Und _how_ doez dat make yu _feeeeeel_?"

This shrink was very lucky Gin didn't have orders to kill him, but actually the contrary. Of course, that was what he had first expected when he got the call from the Boss; but, no, no assassinating for Gin today. Vodka wasn't even there either, though maybe that was a good thing…

"Alright, Mizter Gin, I vould like forr yu to tell mee a bIt about your childhuud."

Oh, this shrink was very lucky he wasn't a target or he would be as stiff as the lounge chair Gin had been told to lay down on by now.

About his feelings, fine, not something Gin liked to talk about per say, but his childhood? To talk about HIMSELF??

…

Fine.

"Well, it all started when I was just a boy…"

* * *

_Gin - well, at that time his name was something else, but of course he won't tell _you_ what it was - had been barely six. Back then, he had been a cute, innocent kid who's idea of the coolest career ever was fireman-_

* * *

"We have doctor-patient confidentiality, right?" questioned Gin, cutting short the flashback.

"Ov course." replied the shrink, an old man with balding, white hair with tiny oval spectacles, placing his pencil on his small notepad, poised to write away.

Gin looked from right to left, highly doubting the veracity of that confirmation, but he really had nothing to lose, right? He reasoned that if he was sent to talk to this shrink in the first place, his sanity must have already been in question… Though anybody who enjoyed clubbing random people over the head with metal rods in the back alleys of amusement parks and then killing them with untested poisons couldn't be completely sane, could they?

Gin was cut from this train of thought by the shrink tapping his pencil, annoyed, on his pad. Right…

* * *

_That had also been the year that his father had started forcing him to do one of the most grueling and mentally-scarring - Gin still shivered at the memory - chore in the world…_

* * *

Several hours later, Gin returned to the Black Organization's Tokyo headquarters that was located in an undisclosed location - well, undisclosed with the exception of it being in Tokyo - only to run screaming like a little girl.

Several minutes later, after having recovered from the fact that a supposed grade-A assassin had run from his office like a school girl who had just seen a mouse, Vodka and some subordinate with some other alcoholic name went to investigate, only to be befuddled by the sight of an overly large garden gnome sitting on Gin's desk, a light blue bow atop its eerily smilingly head. The only clue they could extract from the strange item was a note that was attached. It read:

"Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year - Kaitou KID, Kudo Shinichi and Miyano Shiho."

* * *

Not far away, in the Mouri Detective Agency, Kuroba Kaito, Edogawa Conan and Haibara Ai were sent into peals of laughter as they watched and re-watched the clip of Gin screaming like a little girl that was playing on the television, sent from the mini-camera they had hidden in the gnome. Not only had they made ghosts of the past haunt a certain murderer and found the address of the BO's Tokyo Headquarters (it was in the phonebook!), but they had also discovered said killer's greatest weakness thanks to the help of an Osakan detective's acting skills, a magician's make-up skills, a mini-detective's creative use of a mad scien… uh, _professor_'s gadgets, a British detective's connections, a mini-detective's ability of acquiring strange lawn ornaments and lots of boredom.

* * *

_"GIN! What did I say about moving?!" shouted the furious voice of his father from inside._

_"But, Toooouuuu-ssaaannn," whined Gin, "I'm tiiiiired!!!"_

_"I don't care! There's been a shortage of garden gnomes in the village and I want my lawn protected!!!"_

_"Yes, Tou-san." whimpered Gin as he stood rigid and still in the front yard, dressed like a garden gnome - big, pointy, red hat, fake beard… the works - as he dutifully did every night from when he turned six to the day he ran away from home to go join the Black Organization after having graduated high school._

* * *

**…FIN…**

* * *

_**A/n:**_** So, Conan called Gin, copying the Boss' voice via voice-changing bow tie, Kaito disguised Heiji as the shrink and played the shrink's female secretary himself, Hakuba supplied the office, Ai found the garden gnome, and the CIA, FBI and whoever else cared were astounded by their insanity actually working. Yeah, I'm probably the one who needs their sanity looked after, but we do not question the mighty plunnies of evil that told me to write something insane about Gin!!! As for "ghosts of the past", this really cute plunny came up to me and was all "Well, the BO thinks they killed Shinichi, thinks Shiho is dead and if the BO and the people who killed Toichi are one and the same, then they thought KID was dead until Kaito showed up in his dad's shoes (and cape and monocle…), right?". I nodded and backed away slowly without making any sudden movements other than typing that into the story. Never trust the cute ones, they end up biting you in the shins!!!**

**Please review and I'll get Ai to find you a Gin garden gnome!!**

**See y'all next year!!!**

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Circus**


	7. Circus

**Bumper Sticker #7**

"**If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed… Always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions."**

* * *

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Edogawa Conan, Hattori Heiji, Kuroba Kaito, Hakuba Saguru. Implied ShinRan (ConRan).**

_**Other Inspirations:**_** I honestly don't know where this one came from…**

_**Warnings:**_** Mention of the word "sperm" ONCE (well, thrice if you count the heading and right now). If that REALLY bugs you, don't read this.**

_**Word Count: 599**_

* * *

_Sigh._

Conan was depressed.

_Sigh._

Conan was very depressed.

Not only was he still less than half his age, but it was getting harder and harder to lie to Ran, AND Haibara had yet to find a cure, AND he had figured out that he would probably never graduate high school on time, AND the Black Organization was still at large, AND his feelings for Ran weren't getting any easier to deal with, AND he had gotten kicked off the scene of the newest crime, AND he had already figured it all out, AND it had far to easy to spot that the wife had killed her husband for his money, AND it was getting depressing to have to impersonate Kogoro all the time anyway, AND no one ever listened to him, AND he still couldn't reach the cookie jar on the highest shelf in the kitchen, AND the list was so long of things that were depressing him that that in itself depressed him…

Conan sighed again as he stared blankly out the window of the Mouri Detective Agency. Meanwhile, three teenage boys stood a little away from their small counterpart, huddled like an American football team at the Super Bowl… AND they were trying to help.

"There's obviously something wrong with him." whispered Hattori Heiji.

"He's just depressed." deadpanned Hakuba Saguru.

"Well, we have to cheer him up!!!" cheered Kuroba Kaito.

The three broke up and headed over to the smallish boy.

"Kudo, what's up?"

Conan sighed again as he turned to face Heiji, Kaito and Hakuba, but did not respond to the question.

"What's bugging you?" tried Heiji again.

"Life sucks." said Conan before turning back towards the window. Kaito was too quick for him though as he stopped the swivel chair from turning by sticking his foot in the mechanism. The metal bounced off the rubber of his sneaker and Conan faced them again, still with half-closed eyes.

"Tantei-kun, if you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed…" started Kaito, putting his arm on Conan's shoulders and gesturing widely to the world outside the window, "Always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions!"

A cricket sounded from who-knows-where since there could hardly be many crickets in Tokyo as Heiji's jaw dropped - straining not to laugh -, Hakuba let his head smack into his hand as he shook his head sadly, and Conan turned to look at Kaito - who was grinning like a starved man at a pie convention, still looking out the window, quite pleased with himself - with a combination of disbelief, shock, and dumbfounded-ness.

"Somehow, that really doesn't make me feel any better."

"Really?" Kaito blinked at him questioningly. Conan pushed Kaito's arm off his shoulders and Kaito completed a very dramatic manga-style fall on the floor though he could have very easily avoided it. He picked himself up and sat on the floor cross-legged, trying to figure out how his "Cheer-Tantei-kun-up" plan could have failed.

"Yeah, and maybe I'll one day marry a bearded lady, we'll have a kid named Bongo and we can all go around Japan as a six-man circus!!" ranted Conan incredulously.

"Six-man?" asked Hakuba.

"Yeah!" continued Conan, "_ME!_, _BONGO! _the miracle child, my _WIFE!_ the bearded lady, and you three!!!" He pointed to Kaito, "The magician." He pointed to Heiji, "The clown." Heiji interrupted Conan.

"Hey! Who said I'm a clown?!" Somewhere in downtown Tokyo, Kazuha sneezed and Ran and Aoko asked her if she was catching a cold. Conan looked at Heiji and Heiji got the point that he should just be quiet now.

"What about me?" asked Hakuba, curious, pointing at himself.

There was a short pause as Heiji, Conan and Kaito looked at each other.

"The person who sets up the tent."

"KUROBA!!!!"

* * *

_**A/n:**_** There it is! For some odd reason, I am REALLY proud of this one… Please review for Bongo's sake!!!!**

_**Next Conan's Hint: **_**God. (Next one's a KID case chappie! Yay!)**


	8. OMG

**Bumper Sticker #8  
**"**OMG! OMG! OMG! … wait… I forgot…"**

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Hattori Heiji, Edogawa Conan (Kudo Shinichi), Kuroba Kaito (KID), Hakuba Saguru, Nakamori Ginzo, Toyama Kazuha, Mouri Ran. Implied HeijiKazuha and Shin(Con)Ran.**

_**Other Inspirations: **_**My friends made this rule for me that I can't ask them if they are still alive until a complete minute has passed in complete silence. Oh and I can always tell when Kaito is impersonating someone (Am I insane or are his impersonations obvious?); granted, I never have any proof, but that's what Conan's for! XP Also a bit too much energy and I watched an episode of Law and Order a few nights ago and all the two suspects did for like ten minutes was contradict each other *sweatdrop*; ended up that the guy had hired a hit man to kill himself. Laaaaame.**

_**Warnings:**_** Maybe some OOC, but on purpose. Oh and also a randomly appearing choir. If random singing people that you can hear but not see disturb you, bug you, cause you mental anguish, bring back painful childhood memories for you, make you want to drive a flaming truck off a tall cliff, make you wish you had ice cream, scare you, please you, make you hate the world, make you need a barf bag, cause you to worship them, inspire fits of random dancing in you, make you wish you could chop your computer into bite-sized pieces, burn the pieces and then throw them out the window, make you laugh, make you go insane, make you wish you could sing that well, make you swear loudly, make you believe they are the greatest thing since sliced bread or feel anything good or bad… deal with it. *motions to buff bodyguards with evil-looking bazookas***

_**Dedications/Shout-Outs:**_** Props (I will avoid saying "kudos" for the sake of bad puns) to Diamond Gryphon and Katty 008 for figuring out the code! Told ya it wasn't that hard! Also, Diamond Gryphon, you have fed part of this plot bunny so feel special! XD**

_**A/n:**_** So, I just really wanted to see Conan say that. He he… *sheepish smile***

_**Word Count: **_**1053**

"Kuuuddooo…" Hattori Heiji, the illustrious Detective of the West, sat cross-legged on the floor as to reach a certain Kudo's eyelevel, and debated with himself about poking his friend in the head multiple times to get his attention. "Are you still alive in there?"

It had been a minute; he had the right to ask. It had been a very long minute indeed for in what it took for those sixty seconds to pass, Nakamori-keibu had come back in with several police officers to see what the commotion was about - what were they expecting? An ambush? About five of them had had their guns out - and had escorted the girls out under the pretense that Heiji and Conan were busy at the moment. It may have helped that Heiji was making wild movements behind Kazuha's head trying to indicate that they needed the girls out of there, but who's judging?

"Yes, Hattori, I'm still alive." deadpanned Conan, looking at Heiji like he had five heads.

"Again with the mocking of my sanity!" cried Heiji, "It was an honest question!"

"OMG! OMG! OMG!" exclaimed Conan, jumping around in circles. And we mock Heiji's sanity…

"What?!" asked Heiji, half-excited, half-disturbed, "Did you figure it out?"

"…wait…"

Heiji waited.

The clock ticked.

Heiji waited.

The suspense thickened.

Heiji waited.

The readers just want to know what Conan's going to say already.

Heiji waited.

Granted, this is all happening in about five seconds.

"…I forgot." said Conan innocently.

Heiji - who had gotten up amidst the waiting - collapsed to the floor in despair.

"…wait…" said Conan again, a small light bulb reappearing above his carefully coiffed head.

Heiji waited.

The clock tick-

Heiji got so sick of waiting he just yelled, "SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!!"

"I got it!" announced Conan. Somewhere in the background a random choir angelically sang "Alleluia!", some reader drove off a tall cliff in a flaming truck, Hakuba Saguru investigated, caught the choir and asked them why they had done it; they replied that they had been hired to sing randomly in the background and were let off with a warning.

Heiji and Conan sweatdropped at the background story and thanked whoever was up there that Gosho Aoyama didn't write stuff like that before returning to the main story at hand.

Conan grabbed a piece of paper and the Periodic Table of Elements, and went to work.

"He," It was understood that Conan was talking about none other than KID, "deliberately put that 1412 at the beginning to indicate that we do the opposite for the rest of the letter. As they say, 'codes are made to be broken'. Anyway, we weren't supposed to use the atomic numbers, but the abbreviations; that's why the rest of the message wrote out the names of the elements."

"So," continued Heiji, "we get…"

**1412**

**[(Cd - C) (Ne - N) (As - S) Re S (Ti - I)] [Ta N Te I S],**

"**[(Tc - C) H (He - H)] [Ti (Mn - N) (Se - S)] [I S] [N O W], [(Tc - C) H (Fe - F)] [F I F Th] [Mo N (Ti - I) H] [W He N] [Th (Be - B)] [(Ru - U) (Ac - C) I N] [F (Na - N) 2(Li - I) S]."**

**Kaitou KID**

Conan looked at the page doubtfully, but Heiji struck up an "AHA!" face and pointed to the second set of brackets on the first line.

"'T-A-N-T-E-I-S'. Look familiar?" laughed Heiji.

"We're on the right track." confirmed Conan and they continued, subtracting all the letters.

**1412**

**[D E A Re S T] [Ta N Te I S],**

"**[T H E] [Ti M e] [I S] [N O W], [T H e] [F I F Th] [Mo N T H] [W He N] [Th e] [R A I N] [F A 2L S]."**

**Kaitou KID**

"And now the two 'L's."

**1412**

**[D E A Re S T] [Ta N Te I S],**

"**[T H E] [Ti M e] [I S] [N O W], [T H e] [F I F Th] [Mo N T H] [W He N] [Th e] [R A I N] [F A LL S]."**

**Kaitou KID**

* * *

"The time is now, the fifth month when the rain falls." read Nakamori-keibu slowly as Conan and Heiji grinned ear to ear in victory.

"And it only took," Heiji looked at the clock, "fifteen minutes."

Nakamori glanced at the grinning Heiji with narrowed eyes before harrumphing and asking, "Alright. What does it mean?"

'That's as far as I got.' thought Conan.

Suddenly, as though appearing out of nowhere, Kazuha answered, "Well, 'the fifth month' would be the fifth month of the year, right? May!"

"Where did you come from?!" asked Heiji, bewildered by his friend's sudden appearance.

"Well, most people refer to it as a door…"

Heiji grimaced at her in a "Shut up." sort of way before saying, "Unfortunately, May kind of already happened, didn't it? We're in June."

'Great, they're just going to try proving each other wrong…' thought Conan, somewhat annoyed.

"Couldn't it mean _next_ May?"

Nakamori cut in, "It's not KID's way to send these things that early… even if he assumed we wouldn't be able to figure it out _until_ next May."

Conan piped up, all child-and-innocent-like, "Aren't there quotes around that sentence? That's bound to mean something."

"Kudo, do you know something I don't?" whisper-asked Heiji, letting Kazuha, Ran and Nakamori distract each other.

"No. I'm just trying to figure this out like everyone else is." replied Conan, before knocking his sneaker against Heiji's shin lightly, "And don't call me 'Kudo' with Ran right here. She could overhear." Conan then cursed inwardly at himself when he saw Heiji grin smugly at him; his face getting hotter wasn't just some weird illusion.

"Don't worry, Tantei-kun." replied a whisper.

Heiji and Conan did instant double-takes and 360s, scanning the entire room that was supposedly filled only with the policemen of the Kaitou KID Taskforce.

"And now he's messing with our minds…" said Conan begrudgingly. He and Heiji both knew that the only person to ever call Conan "Tantei-kun" was the one and only Kaitou KID.

"And probably having a blast at how he's making us run around in circles with his stupid note." added Heiji.

"Tch, probably."

* * *

_**A/n:**_** Well, not much progress, but it'll do for now. You all know that Kaito's not really into sitting still for long so he just ran out of my head and decided to show up in the story. Anyway, next problem to solve for any ambitious readers: "The time is now, the fifth month when the rain falls." As for me, I gotta go pick out a jewel for KID to steal (I knew I had forgotten something *sweatdrop*). Alrighty! Please review and you can have one of the choir members!!!!!! That or Hakuba who wasn't supposed to show up in this chapter either… *takes off shoe and chucks it at Hakuba's head***

**Hakuba: WHAT GIVES??? Why didn't you throw a shoe at Kaito? He randomly showed up too!!**

**Kaito: I'm just cooler than you. Admit it.**

**Yolapeoples: That and I can't find my other shoe…**

**Hakuba, Heiji and Conan: *anime-style fall***

**Kaito: *sweatdrop* Anyway, sorry for the delay; Yola had to hold it because she couldn't figure out the next Conan's Hint.**

**Yolapeoples: Hey! They are **_**Conan's**_** Hints. Therefore, it is **_**Conan's**_** fault.**

**Conan: ?!**

**Kaito: Please review!! The next chapter will be out really soon!**

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Katana.**


	9. Katana

**Bumper Sticker #9**

"**Sometimes it's best not to question your friend. Just help them dump the body bag in the river."**

_**Characters/Pairings:**_** Hattori Heiji, Kudo Shinichi, Toyama Kazuha, Surprise Mystery Character! (not an OC, I promise!). Jealous Heiji (HeijixKazuha), perhaps MysteryCharacterxKazuha.**

_**Other Inspirations:**_** I do not KNOW where this came from but one inspiration was stories where someone else besides Conan and Ai shrink, namely Heiji, Kaito (KID) or Hakuba. I think there was one with Yumi shrinking which I found to be GENIUS! Also, slightly inspired by terriisamazing's story "Zapped" due to her reference of the surprise character. *peace sign***

_**Special Disclaimer:**_** Ellery Queen, Barnaby Ross and Ferris Bueller aren't mine; I just reference 'em. ^-^**

_**Warnings:**_** UH, Heiji totally didn't kill someone… I swear… nuh uh, no kill-y. The body bag is just filled with… CANDY… that's it!! CANDY!!! Lots of candy!! For… for… REVIEWERS!!!**

_**Word Count: ~**_**877**

"Hattori."

"Hattori."

"Hattori."

"Bueller."

"HATTORI!!! YOU MADE ME COME DOWN TO OSAKA AT FRIGGIN' 3 AM!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

That was a very good question, as almost anyone - with maybe the exception of one Kuroba Kaito as he was usually the one _doing_ the random things - would probably agree, posed by the very grumpy Kudo Shinichi. After a frantic call from the Detective of the West at around midnight, the kind-hearted Detective of the East boarded a train to Osaka as quickly as possible and was now sitting in the passenger's seat of a police car, looking through the window and back towards the trunk where Hattori Heiji was currently messing with something or another with a look of annoyed determination.

"Just help me get this thing out of the trunk, will ya?" was Heiji's only response. Shinichi harrumphed and got out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

"'Kudo,' he said, 'I need your help with something.' he said, 'It's urgent.' he said." grumbled Shinichi, mimicking Heiji's kansai accent pitifully in a mocking tone of voice, "And now he says nothing!"

After having picked Shinichi up at the station, Heiji had said very little besides, "Thanks for coming. I really do need your help." which had been followed by driving like a maniac, despite the fact that there were barely any cars on the road to begin with, towards an isolated part of town. The car was now parked in the shadows underneath a bridge, the ground muddy from recent rain, near a river.

Shinichi deadpanned when he saw what was in the trunk, "Hattori, isn't that a body bag?"

"Maybe." said Heiji, casting the other detective a sidelong glance with wide, innocent eyes.

Shinichi let out an exasperated sigh, "I won't ask."

Heiji grinned, "Good. Now help me with this, will ya?"

"Sure. Whatever."

The two reached into the trunk, each grabbing one end of the black maybe-body bag which Shinichi found considerably light.

"But next time, call Kuroba, will you? He's more in tune with illegal activities, not to mention the fact that he's probably used to not sleeping much." deadpanned Shinichi as they walked sideways, towards the river, slightly irritated that his new shoes were getting all muddy.

Heiji said nothing; the two swung the bag back and then sent it flying into the river where it was carried slowly downstream as it sunk. They got back into the car and Heiji drove back towards the train station.

"You're really not going to tell me, are you?" asked Shinichi, having exited the car and looking back through the window.

"Nope." smiled Heiji.

Shinichi sighed again, "Oh well. You owe me."

"Sure thing, Kudo." Shinichi noted that Heiji seemed a LOT happier and sociable now then before; it was almost creepy, but he shrugged it off as he waved goodbye to Heiji and entered the station…

* * *

_"Oi! Kazuha! Where ya going?!" Heiji called after Kazuha as she began to leave school in the opposite direction than that in which they usually went to walk home._

_"Hm? Oh, I'm going to pick up Ellery." replied Kazuha, stopping and turning to look at Heiji who looked at her incredulously as he caught up._

_"Who?!" asked Heiji, thinking, 'Ellery? You can't be serious.'_

_Kazuha blinked at him before brightening, "Oh, right, you don't know!"_

_"Ka-zu-ha." Heiji said dangerously, at the same time getting dangerously close to her._

_Kazuha took a step back, blushing slightly, and then, understanding his reaction, responded, "Ahou! He's just this kid that's staying at my house for a bit."_

_'Who __does__ this remind me of?' mused Heiji, as he looked at Kazuha with half-moon eyes. "Who's the ahou here, ahou?!"_

_"You can come with me to go pick him up at the elementary school if you want." offered Kazuha, ignoring the 'ahou' comment._

_"I guess I have nothing better to do." said Heiji, slinging his bag over his shoulder and following Kazuha towards the elementary school, more than a little bit suspicious. He waited outside as Kazuha walked in to find the famed 'Ellery'; a few kids ran around the playground, laughing._

_"Thank you! Bye!" he heard Kazuha say as she exited the building, holding a child, probably around the age of seven, by the hand._

_"Alright, Ellery-kun, this is Hattori Heiji, a friend of mine." introduced Kazuha, "Heiji, Ross Ellery. He's all alone because his parents are away so he's staying at my house until they get back. Uh, Heiji? Heiji?" But her words fell on deaf ears as Heiji stare, his jaw nearly hitting the ground at the young child who looked oddly like a combination of Edogawa Conan and himself._

_'Ellery' grinned maliciously at Heiji before winking, not that Kazuha noticed who was too busy trying to snap Heiji out of his shocked daze._

_"B-but, that's-!" exclaimed Heiji. Kazuha just shook her head, "You're acting really weird today, ahou."_

_As Kazuha and 'Ellery' walked away, 'Ellery' tore free of Kazuha's hand for a moment and ran back towards Heiji to whom he whispered, "Tsuki!" before winking and sticking out his tongue at Heiji._

_Had Heiji not loved his cap so much, he swore he would have eaten it._

_"BUT THAT'S OKITA!!!!" yelled Heiji, but Kazuha and 'Ellery' were long gone._

* * *

**Ah, **_**that**_** was fun to write. And huzzah for a minor character! Anyway, Okita's fake name was basically just another thing to get on Heiji's nerves; 'Ellery' from 'Ellery Queen' and 'Ross' from 'Barnaby Ross', another pseudonym for the cousins who wrote Ellery Queen.**

**Heiji: You are evil!!! ALL OF YOU!**

**Chibi-Okita: Mua ha ha.**

**Shinichi: *sweatdrop* Heiji and Okita are unavailable for further comment as they are currently in the midst of attacking each other.**

**Chibi-Okita (in background): CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!!**

**Kazuha (in background): HEIJI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, AHOU?!**

**Kaito: Ha ha ha!!**

**Shinichi: Hey! Where'd you come from?! You weren't in this one!**

**Yolapeoples: I think we've established that Kaito likes appearing at random-**

**Hakuba: -and inopportune-**

**Yolapeoples: -moments. And I was waiting for you to show up!!! *finds other shoe and tosses at Hakuba***

**Hakuba: *dodges* HA! *shoe somehow manages to adopt boomerang qualities, swings around and hits him in the back of the head* …Of course.**

**Kaito: Please review!**

**Yolapeoples: *grabs fishing pole* Gots to go fish out the body bag that totally had candy in it and not some strangely familiar child in it!**

**Kaito: *sticks fingers in ears* No fishy, no fishy, no fishy. Na na na! I can't hear you!!!**

_**Next Conan's Hint:**_** Coffeecake.**


End file.
